The preschool teacher has just called: ''Jason hit another child.''

The first time you got a call like this, teachers were sympathetic, even apologetic. But this is not the first time, not even the second or third. Teachers haven't used the B-word yet, but in your heart of hearts, you do: My son is a bully.

Bullies and their behaviors long have been a source of shame, guilt, and frustration for parents. At this year's annual convention of the National Association for the Education of Young Children, there were five sessions on bullies, a sure sign of how troubling they are for teachers. One of those sessions drew an audience of more than 600.

If bullies are getting a lot of attention these days, it may be because there are some new ideas about how to help them. While some children become bullies because of parental neglect or abuse or even just plain inappropriate parenting, there's a growing concensus among a range of professionals, from social workers to psychiatrists, that the typical bully is a child who chooses bad behaviors because he doesn't feel connected to people in general - and to his parents in particular.

Uh-oh. If you're Jason's parents, this theory may already have your back up. It's not about blaming parents, though, it's about making sense of what you probably already know. A child who at age 5 or 6 or 7 is labeled a bully was typically a difficult baby: a bad sleeper, a finicky eater, someone who cried harder, not less, when you picked him up, who turned away when you tried to play peek-a-boo.

''Because you're a good parent, not a bad one, you tend to follow your baby's lead: If he doesn't want to be held, you put him down,'' says developmental psychologist and author Becky Bailey of Orlando, Fla. Founder of Loving Guidance Inc., she lectures internationally on how to help bullies.

Unfortunately, giving this baby what makes him happy and calm (not much touching, not much eye contact, not much physical contact at all) leads to not much of an emotional connection.

''The two of you never really fall in love,'' says Bailey.

It's not that there isn't any love and warmth in your relationship; rather, the love that's there doesn't develop the intensity or depth that defines true intimacy and fuels the desire to please another person, says Philadelphia author and child psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan. The theory is that a difficult baby's temperament gets in the way of your ability to communicate with her and her ability to respond. Because she never learns to read complex social signals, she becomes the 2-year-old who bites, the 3-year-old who throws blocks, the 4-year-old who pushes, and the 5-year-old who teachers secretly call a bully. Greenspan is author of ''The Challenging Child'' (Addison Wesley).

Most commonly, a child pushes, hits, or grabs to get something he wants. A firm, disapproving response from an adult (''You can't push. That's no.'') along with a suggestion for how to do it next time (''You can ask, `Please can I have a turn?''') usually turns the behavior around. Less common is the kind of aggression Jason's mother hears about: ''He just hits for no reason.'' This child, the future bully, typically doesn't learn from the discipline that effectively teaches other children, Bailey says.

''What's happened,'' says social worker Alice Cohen, ''is that this child has missed out on the ability to tune into his own feelings or to recognize that other people have feelings.'' As assistant principal of the Manville School for children with behavioral problems at the Judge Baker Children's Center in Boston, she works with a school full of bullies.

The typical parents run the gamut from feeling guilt and frustration to anger and shame. ''They're convinced they have done something wrong,'' says Chicago family therapist Phyllis Booth. She is convinced they have not: ''We tell them, `What your child brought to the relationship made it extremely difficult for you to parent the way you would another child.''' Booth is director of Theraplay, which helps parents and children improve relationships. The thinking is that what turns these children around is early intervention to strengthen the piece of development their temperament prevented them from getting in the first place. Cohen says, ''It boils down to rewiring the brain so they can connect feelings to behavior and develop empathy.''

This theory is still considered alternative. It doesn't have a formal name (Cohen calls it relationally based behavior management), but even though proponents work independently of each other, their initial strategies are strikingly similar. Here's a sampling of first steps:

I-Love-You Rituals. Bailey, who has a book by this title (HarperCollins), recommends this even with 3-year-olds. Begin by telling him, ''This is a special goodnight game, just for us.'' Look him in the eyes, say, ''Good night, elbow,'' and gently rub his elbow. Repeat that with at least three other body parts, adding more as he gets more comfortable. Because it involves eye contact and touch, a child may not like it at first. Persist anyway, she says, playing the game at least once a day, typically before bed. It can take four to six weeks before a child goes along with it happily, at which point a more sophisticated ritual can be substituted. No matter how negative his response is - from pulling away, saying it's stupid, or lying there frozen - maintain eye contact and ''be delightful,'' says Bailey.

Floor time. Greenspan tells each parent to spend 20 minutes a day alone with a child, playing on the floor without interruption. Start with something simple: rolling a ball back and forth, setting up a pillow fort for stuffed animals. Follow your child's lead, don't direct the play. The undivided time together serves to strengthen your connections, and your animated gestures (although not phoney ones, he warns) teach social signalling. If a child becomes aggressive or throws a tantrum during the play, Greenspan's advice is to remain calm and soothing, to find some way in the play to resolve the problem (''Oh, look, my monster is crying. He doesn't know why you are so upset.'') or to apply firm pressure on her back or hold her tightly and rock her.

Increase physical contact between you. Booth says one reason children strike out randomly is because they aren't aware of their own body movements. She recommends one-on-one play that is face-to-face and involves physical contact: Stand a few feet apart, make your arms into a basket, and have him toss in a soft ball. Every now and then, grab him in a hug. If he pushes you away, tell him, ''You really are good at pushing!'' Then make a game out of it: ''Hold my hands and push me over.'' When you fall, grab him in a playful tumble.

Greenspan says any relationship-building component should be in addition to techniques you may already be using; for instance, setting clear limits, anticipating a child's frustration before it boils over, identifying feelings when they do boil over. Relationship-building can start young; indeed, Bailey says the earlier, the better. On the other hand, Cohen also sees it making a huge difference with students at her school who are 7 to 15.

''Kids will resist it in the beginning,'' she says. ''But I've seen some of our most significant bullies turn into our most significant leaders. They learn to see that in a relationship, we are working together to help them.''

She's convinced that for mothers of children like Jason, relationship-building can mark the beginning of the end of those phone calls. ''There's no bully who can't be un-bullied,'' she says.

Afterthought: Two new board books for toddlers that convey your unconditional love for them: ''I Love You with All My Heart'' by Noris Kern and ''Hush Little Baby'' by Sylvia Long (Chronicle Books).

(Reprinted Courtesy of The Boston Globe)